My name is Sean, and I have been transitioning for 4 years now. I identify as he/him. I am a masculine identified trans man, and I feel it pertinent to share my story, albeit short. I knew that I was trans even before I knew the proper wording for it. All the ways children imagine themselves as grownups, for me, always materialized as an image of myself living, and engaging with life as a man. I felt a great chasm between my physical body and my mental projection of myself. This nearly indescribable, palpable, tortuous feeling, stayed with me well into adulthood. By this time in my life I knew what transgenderism was, but I felt that it didn’t apply to me ( even as I longed for it) as most of the examples I saw of people who had transitioned, were mtf trans feminine identified people which did not resonate with me. I had not seen, or understood that there were men like myself in the world. Fast forward: I was hospitalized for major depression and a half-hearted suicide attempt at 24 years old. I felt I was drowning in unseen water… twisting in agony from a formless flame. I was emotionally destitute, and spiritually bankrupt. There’s a slow working posion to living a lie. A lie supported by a physicality you never wanted, or asked for. I would not transition for six more years, and I can tell you without reservation, that I felt everyday, and every second of those subsequent years. My ‘Road to Damascus’ moment was born of a split second realization, underscored by a lifetime of hints, and blatantly obvious signals. I was, and always had been a man. It explained my inability to relate with other female bodied individuals. It explained my desires, interests and general predisposition. Once on T, I found that as my body changed, my anxiety, depression, and morbid outlook greatly decreased. I was finally treated as a man, and thusly subjected to all the good, bad, and in between that comes along with that designation. Mine has been a lonely road. I have lost friendships and relationships along the way, and in addition, I have experienced my fair share of discrimination because of being trans. However, I can say without hesitation that I love my life, and I think I am finally growing to love myself, after nearly three decades of pondering the curious stranger in the mirror. To anyone reading this, I wish you strength, and a self-sustaining constitution. I really don’t know what else to say. If I can be of assistance to any other brothers hit me up.
Peace -Sean
Invisible Men 