Invisible Men

             “UNN Papi”

I knew at about 6 something was wrong, I didn’t feel “normal” but I couldn’t express it to my mother because she would have never took me to the doctor to me started on HRT so as a child I suppressed my feelings and tried to express them in other ways like clothing choices. I remember as a child I would always wanted to wear shorts and a T-shirt everywhere I went an my mother allowed me and thought nothing of it. I come from a big Christian based family so I’m no way would my folks be okay with the idea of me transitioning. At age 15 I began to battle with depression and low self-esteem, so in turn I over exposed myself to things and began to act arrogant and overly confident just to make up for the things I lacked. I came out to my mother as lesbian and she laid her hands on me and tried to “pray the gay away”. I lived as a stud for 10years and I can say it was the hardest thing I had to do knowing that I couldn’t be my authentic self. I had to do things to appease others, mainly my mother and it diminished me.

Fast forward a few years to 2015 I was of age to go to the doctor alone and make decisions for myself. I remember having an appointment with my endocrinologist and expressing to him I wanted to start HRT so he told me the steps I had to follow and I did so, then May 27, 2015 I go back to the doctor and started my first dose of T and at the same time essentially found the love of my life at my place of employment at the time. Once I started HRT and told my mother I was transitioning and had started HRT, I remember she didn’t believe me and once I showed her my vials and box of needles, this look of sadness and disgust took over her and in so many words she told me that she wouldn’t support me or my journey and me being who I am I responded with a nonchalant attitude and left. As time went on and as I lived in my mother’s home we bumped heads more than you could imagine, and I eventually needed to find a new place to reside. Once I left my mother’s home I never went back.

I continued to get love and support from my girlfriend and friends, and began the journey of living life as the man I truly was meant to be. January 2016 I had my consultation for top surgery with Robert Evan Tuchler and got a surgery date of August 8, 2016 . When I told my mother I was having top surgery we completely fell out and we didn’t talk for about 2months, in that time I felt hurt and abandoned by the one person I thought would always have my back no matter the circumstances, but in turn I was told not to speak to her and that I wasn’t her child. That day I went home to my girlfriend and all of my emotions showed. I had never experienced that much anger and rage from the woman that carried me in her womb. My girlfriend tried to calm me down and console me the best she could and I was and am forever grateful for her. On surgery day I walked in ready for my NEW NORMAL. I went back and the surgery took 1.5hr and once I was awake and was greeted by my girl and aunt, I was elated that at least my aunt came to support me. Then October 28, 2016 I was granted a legal name and gender change and I finally became Ryan Omari Jacobs. That was another day of freedom for me and I didn’t let anybody ruin it.

Fast forward again to present day, I am living as male to the best of my abilities because in no way is being trans an easy journey there’s things we go through mentally, physically and emotionally that the average person doesn’t. Being a trans man takes a toll on me every because I still suffer with mild depression, some days I feel like I’m less than or I don’t pass as a man. At times I feel as if I’ll never be the man I truly want to be. This journey is a life long journey you have to adapt to. You have new emotions that you try to balance out so you can be the best YOU, but sometimes those emotions get in front of you and get the best of you. You have an array of constant worries. Then I have to worry about being BLACK and TRANS in a world that still has some racism and traits of non-equality is one of the hardest thing I’ll ever go through. But each day I get through and it makes me an even stronger person.