Eseh Alabi – International Legacy : Nigeria

Legaçy Life-size

Society in any child’s life can shape so much about a child, we try to deny this fact more often. And this is also true for me. In a rather more different way though: I didn’t grow up meeting to societies demands of who I should be… I grew up being beaten, bruised and oppressed by the society that was all around me.. Being constantly made to feel alone, an outlaw, a weirdo, called all sorts.. Getting constantly misgendered, lead me to run 🏃💨 into more isolation. Isolation was my comfort zone, as I don’t get misgendered there; there it’s just me, myself and I. 

But the beginning of my isolation was also the beginning of my doom, which started as I became a teenager🔞. But let’s start with the very beginning: my childhood years. Which still holds one of the best memories I can recollect. 

I am from a family👪 of 3-kids, with me as the second born, with an elder sister and a baby👶 brother. A rather unique family if you would say. My dad was said to have asked for a birthday gift 🎁 from God. but him being skeptical (•͡.•͡) about asking for a specific gender? Cause he didn’t want to appear like it was actually important to him having a baby boy or not, though it deeply was in his heart of heart, as he wanted a baby boy, but he didn’t want it to appear like having a boy mattered so-much to him… BUT it did- and well you can’t fool God -but God knowing his heart desires? can not but only be GOD in HIS Almighty Awesomeness knew His very Heart desires. BUT for my dad not being directly honest about what He really desired? Let the enemy to advantage of that loop hole;  so ye I happened, me born on the same day as my dad’s birthday. WHEN being identified female at birth? He’s heart was like well a gift is a gift. I wasn’t a boy as he desired, but he had this: in “everything give thanks” reaction and cheered himself up on the outside.

Without mentioning previously before mine? Yes my elder sister was also born on the same day as my mom’s birthday, meaning she’s my mom’s own special birthday gift 🎁 also . And then my baby brother afterwards, who was almost born on the same day as me and my dad but came rather early, he was born four days earlier to the day (the story was that: my dad was too egoistically confident, feeling it was all his doing, and God wanted to prove to him it’s not in his power but in His(God’s)..  FUNNY it was already clear how the boys got born in the same day like wise girls, but I guess this was over looked… 

 THOUGH my baby brother was four days early? his birthday was always celebrated on mine. So well, we celebrated just two birthdays in our house… And that was the males and females, which was rather always funny when you think about it really… But I was still denied acceptance as male cause I was identified female at birth… 

And even with the spiritual signs… It’s almost like science overruled the spiritual in my house after I was born, like my old man stopped believing? Or got defeated (╯ნ_㇁ნ)╯ by doubts, can’t say which…  As my dad who once prayed and all 🙌👏🙏🙇 became someone who was constantly fighting (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง not to be sick. And 😷💊💉💉😷😢😷💊 taking medications was the order of the day. 

Yeap, I am one of those kids; that as early as 4years old? Who said I wanted to be a 👦boy and everyone laughed about it and they ignored it. As an African Child you really don’t have rights, and far from it, have a say to question the elderly. 

As kids, I was close to my baby brother and hardly close to my sister. I would always feel responsible for my baby brother as a child… Though I didn’t know how I was going to do it? but I set my heart to protect himat all cost. Funny, as even I needed to be protected🛡️. my parents often no where to be found, as both working parents, their presence hardly felt. I saw little of my mom and almost never got to see my Dad. The house was run by different female house helps/maids of different shapes.. So naturally I didn’t have any male figure to look up to. And my sister wanted a sis 👭, even at a small age I didn’t understand my self to be a girl and definitely not a sister to her. At that moment I couldn’t do much than keep, that distance of (am not your sister) which looking back now? she never still understood. 

I have always been closer to my brother, he needed someone there for him. And I promised myself to always try and be the one there. I didn’t have anyone there for me, and I didn’t want him to feel what it’s like not to have anyone also.. Though there where times, I had to push him away just to have my own space. Because there were times when everything just felt too much for me to handle anymore, I would get very withdrawn from the world around me, too much that sadly I’d push him away… 

But for two✌ reasons mainly: I didn’t want him to be a shadow of myself. And I felt I wasn’t good for him, more often than none I felt I wasn’t good for anyone.. 

This traumatic turmoil of dysphoria affected my self-esteem in all sense, affected me academically as well, I struggled academically. With shattered self-esteem and not being able to read📖? I always had my head down to the ground. Then the struggling in school🎒📚 as I liked girls I couldn’t talk to, as just like most boys my age I couldn’t talk to girls.. But very comfortable with boys. 

As a child growing up been seen as a little boy👦 was cool and fun…  I would get lost wondering off 🤔💭 in the open with no cares. Carefree me being seen as a little boy👦 by the world, made friends 👬 my age played soccerづ(っ’-‘)╮=͟͟͞͞⚽🥅 with friends, video games🎮 etc. But little did I know this little fairy-tale was all gonna disappear once I started entering into my teenagehood. 

Pardon me: to cut through my story, but I am probably proofreading this countless times, trying to get understood as much as I can. (As clear communication often leads to understanding) 

Not everyone is fluent in English or familiar with my way of mannerism via communication. As in the time pass? I have been told am saying nonsense.. As the reader could care less about my African background, or interested to understand what I was saying.. But I have grown to be better at expressing myself to the best of my abilities, I seek to improve daily.. 

But just because I really pushed hard to do so? DOESN’T mean every other local AFRICAN carries the same idea.. It’s cause am universal in nature, and not bond to a people, tribe or race. I raised this up mainly because I know another ftM NIGERIAN, who’s from the east part of Nigeria but struggles to express their views like I would. 

So back to my story:

Even though I got beaten at 🏠 home so much for not behaving female♀️ there was hardly any of my parent at home as a child.. Mom went to work, and Dad? lost in his work fighting for union. 

But then those in charge of us the kids. would always beat me to following the rules, but gave up on me at the end as beating me was always did not change anything. My mom when around would beat the day lights off me, I really couldn’t care less, I started to feed of being beaten. I remember she cleaning my wounds one day, and I’m asking her why are you cleaning my wounds; you are still going to beat me again anyway,  and she was surprised (◉0◉)ᵎᵎᵎ I could say that. But being from a Christian✝ background with the strong believe of; spare the rod and spoil the child.. It was rather pointless me voicing out as it didn’t change much confronting her: asking why is she cleaning my wounds when she would beat me up again. Cause she believes she’s doing the right thing beating me. Well it is called good home training.. If you weren’t beaten as a child there’s this believe that you weren’t trained well. But beause I still did as I pleased, despite being beaten so much? Some people still consider I wasn’t beaten up (*@_*#) enough💯 as a child still. 

My parents presence came in more  gradually as I grow a teenager.. I started getting use to seeing them around more often, which meant more beatings because I was always stubborn to have my way even being beaten so much? never broke me. And I’m sure if some African parents are reading this? They still feel in their hearts that they would have broken me: if it where them..  FEELING in their heart they would have used a different way which would have worked out. 

Growing into teenagehood was the beginning of Doom’s Day.. I started loosing my friends (male friends: I only had male friends) as they started to reject me: saying am not one of them. That to them I stopped being one of them anymore; saying that I am a girl and they don’t play with girls.. getting rejected and told am female made me separate from the crowd to where I was always by myself alone😔. I started to self isolate, and the more I got misgended the more I self isolated😔. All trying to run🏃💨 away from it. 

This was another doom I was drawing strongly into, as the more I got comfortable with being a lone? the little connections I created…  And the older I got, the more isolated I had grown. I had gotten even more comfortable in it to the point I didn’t know how to function in public anymore. I had grown those strong bad habits that comes with self isolating, which includes talking to myself out loud, no mannerisms,  picking my face constantly etc….  Growing up to form such a strong habit of pushing everyone out before they push me away.. Like a defence mechanism of some sort for me..  If I had only known I was jumping from frying pan to 🔥fire. Like if someone out there had told me as an adult🔞 you need to have a created network📡 of people to work for you, unless you struggle getting a job, rendering service or product as the case may be. 

I’m a software Engineer and skilled in various fields, such as plumping, electrical, mechanical, carpentry, photovoltaic… But its dysphoria holding me back, with not being male enough to be employeable to the NIGERIA labor force.

 If given the opportunity to get top surgery? i really wish to help another ftM-guys get top surgery, once i can start working and am settled. Because I know how it feels like to really struggle with getting a job, cause in Nigeria you are not male enough to work as a male and then the strong humiliation of being forced to work as female 😖, which I believe majority would never do. I know I am resilient and hard working, I am not a lazy type at all. But being isolated most of my life 😫 got me no where as an adult. I tried having more skills as possible to become relevant to the society but not having any social foundation growing up? made it even more difficult to form a working network for any kind, for business development.. 

Even though I do 🧱 bricklayer work at home🏠  carpentry works, plumbing, mechanic, electrical, literally just anything labeled male work. I still got seen as female to my folks. But it’s impossible not to ever call me or refer to me as he/him while living with me, it had always slip up…  I kept on doing even more straineous male jobs to earn the respect I desired. 

Them beating the Hell out 👊💥 me as I was seen as extremely stubborn growing up, continued even more as a teenager, and I got beaten really hard, just to keep living male regardless of my contradictions. Because you would never see me in the kitchen, or doing anything female?  I did all the male chores around the house. Trying really hard to pass the messages that I don’t want to be treated female and I hate anything female in association to me, but no matter how hard I tried? I was just building up myself atmost cause they never got the message. 

 I have always lived as male♂️ Regardless of how misunderstood I was growing up… I believe a child is only seen as stubborn when they are not understood..  And most parents don’t even have the time to be in a child’s life, let alone take the energy to really understand the child… Because if only my parents never attached anything female to chores: like if they never went on saying girls should do this and do that? They could get me to do any work around the house.. BUT as sexist as my biological parents… They must say girls are to do this, do that, as a girl you must know how to do this, do that.. Words that got me sick to my throat of hearing.. So I started to switch off. When they start talking? I would just switch off. Am there but not listing to a word they said… But by this? I miss out on instructions that often got me into more trouble… And this was pretty much my cycle as a child and growing up as a whole. As a teenager I had Mastered the art of turning a deaf 👂🚫 ear to anything that irritated me so much…   

They would refuse to buy me anything male clothings, feeling they would never encourage my male lifestyle or never encourage me living male, you can say. So I wore my old man’s rags, patching it up with needle and treads which was most of it, they would still go out and burn 🔥 my clothes trying to break me into wearing whatever ┐( ̄ー ̄)┌ they kept on buying.. But I wouldn’t wear any of it. So, soon they stopped buying anything for me. I struggled so much to buy my own clothes though they kept burning them to discourage me, feeling the phase would gradually pass… But the more I looked like a child on the street with no parents..  I grew to care less of how I appeared as anyone would naturally look down on me, naturally having the worst of self esteem. Even my biological sister was ashamed being seen associated with me.. So I also grew more distant from people feeling I was saving them the embarrassment of being seen associated with me in any way.. I still often feel like am doing others a favor not being part of their lives, or mine when I push them away. 

All I ever wanted as a child was to be seen rightly, feel rightly and grow like any boy my age… BUT never got quarter of what I wanted… 

I have been applying for top surgery grants for several years, and no results. I have always wanted to be stealth as a child, just I didn’t know what it was called.. So on social media; Facebook to be precise, I moved more around people of my kind.. Stealth ftM-guys.. 

And this is because I am one not to go publicly seeking attention 📣😮💭 I have never really gotten financial support or assistance for top Surgery as a result. 

Though some brothers have really tried for me, likes of Jonah who I nicknamed J bro AVATAR. Jonah and I have known each other for years can’t recall since when though, but it has always been awesome to have him there those times, even without me asking, he tried sending me binders, wanting to help as much as he could, he hadn’t had top surgery at that time as well. but it never got to me. as he received the items back. And though we really hardly talked much as in via video calls but when we did felt like there wasn’t a time we didn’t have our distances. Then an amazing brother Jae Lewis form the Bahamas(who I must mention) one amazing big heart brother, who really went out to financially assist me in my struggles at that point in time, even with him also being ftM like me who hadn’t had top surgery. A bro who till date? I feel in depthed to for being there, being such a brother to me, talking to me. Assisted me even when I didn’t have the courage to ask, just by sharing my situations… His video calls made me feel so not alone 😔 and this touched me deeply. we had even workout together on a video call, mind blowing times, so much fun. We really talked a lot and though Jae Lewis was already married 💍👰 he hadn’t moved in with his wife yet so he still lived single for a while just it being him alone, and that was the period I got to see the glimpse of the Bahamas Beauty like I lived it, so dazzling 😍💓 I never could forget that. My story would be incomplete without mentioning “Jae Lewis”. Though Jae finally became a family Man, moving in with his wife 👰. And not having that time again. but still always in my ❤heart, memories that live with me forever. With the stigma of NIGERIAN’s being scams I didn’t have it in me to beg around.. Struggled most to gain trust and be taken as family by others..  So Jae Lewis really affected me a lot not seeing me as scam, as anyone else would just feel I am, simply because I am a Nigerian. 

Even, and almost every month in a year? I still kept seeking for grants for top surgery an urgent necessity in my life, because I am extremely dysphoric.. For all my years; most nights I don’t sleep because of my chest literally chokes me.. I struggle to sleep most nights… And hate my chest touching my body.. It just never registered as part of me till date. And the more I grow? The less Tolerant of my chest I am, it’s a big size D and makes me wanna have the top surgery myself (so much that I have prepared myself to mentally)..  The older I get the less I can stand it. The only hope of being alive till now is? That I can one day get to know what it’s like to be free of this shit off my chest.  

My major problem is it touching me, and me being able to feel it at all, as I have to bath. BUT if am not bathing I tight it up the whole time(improvising), i wasted a lot of years feeling like one day i would get to buy a binder or get one. It just never worked out. and the need grew stronger, so I finally put my initiatives to good use and made my own binder. but what i bind with just helps me feel a bit comfortable with my chest, as it stops it from giggling anyhow. And not necessarily passing as such, some days I might pas but nothing promising, like I don’t even picture I pass at all. As I am on the big side, chest wise? And there’s really nothing much you can do to completely hide such.  But because my chest doesn’t jump up and down on a motorbike in bad road, with this i feel a bit better about. Just knowing i don’t appear as women do here on a bike.. which means i can run also, just the tighten up affecting my ribs and hurting it, makes it not so much of a good idea to run 🏃💨. But my chest wont giggle like a girl, on the positive side. And so that it doesn’t get to touch me, even if that’s life threatening as it is, begin always up tight literally 😂 It still better than nothing.

I learnt all about top surgery to be able to do it myself.. But with a lot of medical tools still needed, and most importantly a clean contamination free room? Which I don’t have access to. So I keep living in torture of something that should be logically part of my body, but never registered as. 

For me, growing up in the hearts of Lagos Nigeria. Coming from a religious background, My parent pastors of the Redeem Church in Nigeria. I have to be really stubborn to have my way at all.. This means being beaten specially by my biological parents…meaning I was beaten so much to the point where they started hurting themselves when they beat me..  I was way pass 18 and still gotten beaten, yes I never tried to defend myself, cause I understood it as being disrespectful to them and well as it implied bringing a curse to myself to physically challenge ones parents. But by this time 🕒❓ I had already grown to feed off the pain (>_<), so much that I was like needing the pain (>_<). And then they couldn’t keep up with it anymore. It became pointless inflicting pain (>_<) on themselves just to beat me. 

I recall an incident that happened growing up. i had a diary, in it i would write in my feelings… But little did i know my old man and sister would read my diary as entertainment.. There i wrote out my feelings.. Always emphasising on how I am not a lesbian, but I am ftM.. Sadly my privacy was disregarded. 

But the real turmoil was this life changing experience I had: the day i was caught with an implicating text messages from a girl I touched sexually? I was forced to go for deliverance for a year or go to jail for 14y..  I cried that day bitterly, for 😢 not being understood 🚫 that even after the reading through my diary was all out in the open, I still got seen as wrong. 

At the course of the Deliverance it came to the open by a Mountain of Fire 🔥️🔥️🔥  strong spiritual pastor that: indeed at conception I have been male, this confirmed GOD had every intention of me being male, but evil hands tried to manipulatively change it at the least minute to bring shame to my destiny that’s said to be glorious.  

I was happy hearing this.. Why? This is because its strongly affirmed indeed after all I am a male appearing female. i was more than over joyed,  mainly because I always felt this was truly the case, even before ever being told, but I didn’t understand how it was possible being nothing scientific. But the confirmation from a spiritual head seemed like a total amazing truth, a truth told right in the presence of my biological Mother. 

But then the solution to this and the only way to correct this is if my male soul is killed and replaced with a brand new female soul. After doing several prayers but seems nothing happening? I was told I somehow have to be in agreement in the spirit with this As well. As my biological mother was so in on this. Even with KNOWING that during this procedure I would die and be replaced by a baby girl’s soul, who won’t know how to talk, read initially and then they would pray to speed up the girl’s spirit growth so she knows how to talk, read and would now be as old as the body.. 

And I am saying what the heck in my head! How do you expect me to agree to die just to be replaced by another? Just so my biological mother and father can have a girl that meets society standards!?!  I saw how they were really going for the idea of killing me and replacing me.. Because I am the very male soul! male! 

After that period? I stopped saying anything about me being male,and just continued to appear male as normal. With this they felt appearance would gradually change or probably didn’t expect much as they’re use to me looking male. Though I never wrote anything again, I just kept the old book filled with my Memories, I still have it with me: The old book I created.. I obviously was still the same me male soul appearing female.. Just silent 😶 about it. Still not doing anything female and dressing male in appearance. 

THOUGH I was force to dress up female and go to church for a while, since I was never one who liked to go to church (mainly because I was always forced to appear female)…  With the whole experience still living in my head… I stopped being annoying at God as I have always been. With this new understanding, I felt God was innocent of me being mad at HIM. Because I was repeatedly told God made me female so I should accept it…  That God doesn’t make mistakes and all… I kept fighting the believe in the past, that I was mad at God for a while. LIKE why can’t I then function normally like a female then?..  Why am I wrong ❌ why do I have to be something that’s not right. Why 😖doesn’t GOD just kill me all the same and save everyone the stress of my existence. 

People had often tell me 🗣 God hates me, this and that. I stopped attending church ⛪ cause I really couldn’t stand having that one day I appear female in clothings😖, I have always skipped church most days and just finally didn’t got anymore, no matter how many sermons I got at home for being the devil’s. I didn’t want to know God anymore just by what I grew up being told. The church grew so much religious and political, free of spirituality. I never liked any of it in the first place. Its not like I believe God didn’t exist. Just I didn’t see my God restricted to the four walls of a building. 

But as I grew a personal relationship with God, I found out what people said about me was just people’s choice: to believe what is strange is an abomination. 

And they were all religious beliefs and had nothing to do with God. 

The more I grew in GOD? I stopped seeing myself as a sin. I started listening to only What God has to say for me and not others..  And as I grew, I learnt God doesn’t need to force anyone using fear of Hell to want HIM, and I wasn’t a sin loving women, I just functioned male because at conception? I was placed into my mother’s womb by God as MALE and never an intend of God in creating me female, just evil manipulation to bring shame to my destiny. God started to shape my character and easy my burden. the more I seeked for His counsel? The more He taught me; He is very interested in the way I feel, and that Before placed into my mother’s womb? He has known me, and He has seen all that is to befall me. And I don’t have to be alone in all of it. I learnt to Obey God cause I Trust HIS intentions towards me 😇🙏👼 were purely Good and not of evil.

              That the challenges in life shapes our character.. So literally am a result of shaped in character by lessons lived… 

As there are lessons in this life only taught when lived. As human beings  we don’t care about anything that doesn’t affect us. And there are certain lessons in life that can only be lived to be learnt. Cause no matter how much is explained it just can never be understood.. 

I learnt what submission means, that you’re in total trust to whom you are submitting to. With God? I only obey God cause I trust in HIM. 

My personal relationship grows dynamically everyday, daily I see how God Shapes more of me.  THOUGH I am not one to drink, smoke and all normally. but I still have certain things that i need to be shaped by God like my pride, anger etc.. 

Some people feel God installs fear in us, to make us obey Him and that’s a big lie🤥 !!!!!!!!   The God I know would never want any of your actions to be as a result of fear😨… 

Like you see a lot of people feeling God is using Hell to blackmail them into loving Him, but God never has such intentions… As in it’s an insult to God that anyone could think HiM (a whole God) needs to force them through fear😨 to want Him.. 

As a teenager God taught me: That you can never force someone else to love/like you, and that even if you do? deep down your not gonna be happy😞😢 cause you want to be desired willingly and not forced… 

So how can a whole God not want to be desired willingly? 

 Let me share with you how GOD taught me that: what transpired that I learnt this:.. 

 In my teenager years, I loved a girl so much… It was an extreme obsession… 

I wanted her at all cost even if just a short period of time… 

I had different nasty thoughts🤔💭, To brainwash her, To force her by blackmailing Etc.. You can’t even imagine to what extent… 

But everytime I would think about all that? He would speak to me and ask in a gentle tone… 

“And what happens after that? ”  would you be happy to see👀 she’s unhappy😞… Would you be happy to see her hate you   

Would you feel better to know she’s not of her own will with you? 

And when I answered each time⌚? I didn’t like the aftermath of any of my actions… 

This conversation💭💬🗯 played on for years. before I learnt: I got to let go of who you love❤ just to make them happy😊… 

So now I can really love someone but let them go knowing it’s not up to me alone😔

I learnt to love without expecting. I have grown a lot and more mature than I thought. With the help of God? I am daily growing in the best version of me. I have dreams to create, invent, be part of some amazing creation. I still hope to live my dreams. Come up with a crazy invention that affects the world positively or be on that team that brings about such a disruption to the Economy system. 

That’s the whole mentality I have.. And there’s nothing like having loyal and trustworthy people with you.. But when everyone is struggling to compete how can anyone achieve that… 

We need to kill 🔪the 💡 idea that we can make it alone..  Everyone successful 🏆💪 needed a network 📡of people, cause no man’s an island  and character is everything. How we value people goes a long way. 

Currently am really struggling to have a social life..  It’s really hard to learn it, unlike looking at a mechanical work being done and picking up how to do it.. 

I never imagined it would be something I would find difficult. 

Growing up in self isolation and always feeling once I am ready to be social? It would be a piece of cake to handle? Wasn’t of any use.  How to go out of my bad habits of always pushing everyone away from me? Is my pending struggle 😩😩😔

I have learnt it’s very important to have that being social in you as a child. As people don’t understand my struggle and how I don’t see it easy as they would. BECAUSE they can’t understand why anyone would live in isolation in the first place. 

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