I find myself back at a crossroads and not really knowing which way to go. Growing up, I never really fit the description. I didn’t associate myself with the little girls and I associated more with the little boys. For a person who loves to be first (at everything) I began to move to the back of the girls line so I could be at the front of the boys line, that would be so there was an overlap in our bathroom time (in kindergarten the bathrooms were inclusive but monitored). As I grew older, I very slowly began to embrace the idea that I was a girl. This was partly because I learned that my penis would never grow like I thought it would. A very long story short, it created a lot of body dysphoria and confusion. After college, I moved to California to try living as a man. that didn’t exactly work out as I needed to work and it all felt so political. As I continued to explore my gender identity, I found that I most closely associated with androgynous/ non-binary/ genderqueer and transmasculine. (If those aren’t enough words, trust me, I have more.) Over the years, my hair has grown significantly and lately I am misgendered and I question myself and my appearance more than even I acknowledge. It is compelling me to want to do things that I know that I don’t want… so I am torn. My gender journey is just that, a journey. I don’t have a particular destination. I just want to be comfortable in my own body.
Invisible Men 